No, your eyes do not deceive you; it’s still 2012 and I have managed to write another blog post! So stop staring at that calendar in open-mouthed amazement and start paying attention as I fill you in on my journey through the level Fool’s Gold.
We begin our journey in a claustrophobic cavern of snow.
A short swim later and Lara emerges into another military base-style location with a subtle soviet motif.
The base is decorated with a variety of blurry portraits. Here’s one of a woman (who I initially took to be Margaret Thatcher, God knows why) pointing and laughing. I don’t know, maybe it’s meant to be motivational.
And here’s one of Stalin, back when Stalin was releasing promotional posters aimed at pre-teen girls. All it needs are a few hearts and some rainbows.
If I turned round and found my arms doing this then I’d be pissed off too.
Flamethrower man makes an unwelcome appearance, wielding what appears to be a modified label maker attached to the tube from a vacuum cleaner. Hey, these are hard times.
Yet more images of Stalin, this time carved in stone and with satanic red eyes. You know, for his goth period when the pre-teen thing failed.
Out of context, this picture looks rather romantic. Put your head on my shooooooooooooullllderrr……hold me in your arms, comrade… ♪
Look at this goofy, lolloping little doggy with its tongue hanging out…no, wait, Lara, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Far less adorable is this goon, who looks like the Terminator attempting to blend in with a crowd of stereotyped eighties teenagers.
Eventually we find ourselves in a tomb-like area (fancy that!), completely with inexplicably-glowing skeletons.
Beyond this is a corpse-strewn cave, featuring wall paintings that predominantly portray a creature that looks suspiciously like Futurama’s Nibbler, if Nibbler were malnourished and undead. At least it’s not Stalin again.
OH WHAT THE HELL I ONLY GOT TWO SECRETS. Good job I haven’t imposed a “no downloading save-games” rule on myself…